the wind cries me.

family died.

2011-11-07T16:47:00.002-05:00

Ecstatic at the idea of—
oh, it was nothing really

Thrilled with your—
well, not exactly

Empty without—
but, it was for good reason

Together we created
what has now been laid to rest

Dear son, dear daughter,
dear child from afar

It was so strong
so powerful
two—
wait—
what the fuck was it?

We were in love. You’re dead. He’s gone.

I’ve gone mad.

Mad.

Sylv.

2011-11-07T16:46:00.001-05:00

interwoven limbs
sex on the couch
that look upon
her delicate face
when he rejected her
for someone else

two torn souls
who had converged
one more torn
left to the wolves

she was only thirty
on the day she died

here come the fake eyelashes.

2011-11-07T16:44:00.001-05:00

Ribbon unraveled
then you pulled off the lid

Surprise in the box
wedding cake topper

Shower them with gifts
the appearance of bliss

Forever unknown
the truth of happiness

wonder.

2011-11-07T16:41:00.002-05:00

I fell asleep with my face nestled in your armpit
for some odd reason
and it just felt
so
right.

You held me.

I loved every second of it.

wonder.

2011-10-26T01:22:00.002-04:00

I fell asleep with my face nestled in your armpit
for some odd reason
and it just felt
so
right.

You held me.

I loved every second of it.

28 Centuries

2011-08-09T09:49:00.002-04:00

Fighting a never-ending battle within himself
Had made Merlin weary
Casting spells on lovely maidens
With whom he could engage in false delusions of love
Centuries spent in failed attempts at self discovery
Resulted in utter confusion
Soaking up strength he smuggled from supporters
Left him still in need
The day came when the villagers
Finally locked him up
For he had gone mad
The once strong and powerful wizard had become a sinking ship
Lost deep in the raging sea
Of his ever so inquisitive mind

chile

2011-08-09T09:49:00.001-04:00

swallowed by sparkling turquoise water
in the form of a tidal wave

where i had attempted to find relaxation
between the peaks of glorious mountains
i saw birds pass by
every now and again
the only sounds i heard
were waves and subtle winds
clear blue skies overhead
were pleasant to look at

the temperature was perfect
scenery majestic

mind at peace
body at rest
the only thing missing from this picture
was you

his dream.

2011-06-10T08:17:00.000-04:00

overboard
upon his whisper of those cryptic words
describing his voyage

a dream that haunted her
for weeks
until it all unfolded
before her puffy eyes

thrust into choppy waters
gasping for air
each wave threw her body into tumble

first she called out
to no one
"help. ...help!"

only the whistling wind answered

the ship had sailed
towards the district port
with him aboard
and he was happier there

he had never even said farewell
and it caused her much despair

as she approached
what she thought was her last breath
she found a broken chunk of ice to cling to

did the ice melt?
was she rescued?
did she survive?

it is your story
make your own ending

in the mountains.

2011-05-27T22:05:00.000-04:00

tapestry,
tell me
how the story unfolds

the girl in
woven
silk sits under shade trees...

deer, poke your
head out
from behind foliage

rabbit, you
too. come
out of the deep, dark hole

fox, tangled
in the
spider's web, break free now

bird, flying
above,
swoop down to save us all

convene. yes,
indeed.
all the wild animals.

in the evening.

2011-05-23T22:28:00.000-04:00

Under the purple lights,
they sang your songs.
The sweetest harmonies
echoed throughout the castle,
where I sat,
awaiting your arrival.

But you were nowhere
to be found.

Closing my eyes,
I volunteered for them to
take me away—
to my memory,
where I dreamed a fantasy.

Somewhere in the midst of
a guitar solo,
reality became the truth.

And it rained...
until the castle flooded.

Oh'd to me. (repost)

2011-04-20T23:25:00.001-04:00

Oh'd to me. (9/2/08)

the girl with two crooked ears
and her nerdy, made-up face -
a delicately detailed stage
spoltlighting lopsided frames
but alas
no one makes passes at girls who wear glasses.

the greatest show on earth. (repost)

2011-04-20T23:23:00.001-04:00

the greatest show on earth. (10/5/08)

inside the dark tent
under dim lights
a ringmaster and his lion
stand on a round platform

the ringmaster announces
"welcome to the big top"
he awaits an echo of applause
but the nonexistent crowd is of course silent

a contortionist crosses her legs
puts them behind her head

above her there is a man in a blue sequined leotard
he is walking on a tightrope
holding one of those poles

below him is a fire eater
an elephant
two intoxicated clowns
a third on stilts
four brutish wolfmen
and a woman juggling

with no one in the crowd
they perform for themselves

calliope music crescendoes
into an explosive sound
causing Ah Choo, the stilt walker, to lose his balance
his shrieking hysteria gets attention from above

by lack of concentration
the tightrope walker tumbles
landing on the fire eater
causing combustion

being overly dramatic
the ringmaster dances his way to the scene
leaving his unattended lion
to eat the juggler on her period

the elephant goes crazy
bulldozing the clowns
the wolfmen try to rescue them
while the contortionist watches
as terror overshadows her evanescent smile

in her twisted pretzel stance
she casually crawls backwards
like a disoriented crab
peeking at the cluster fuck
through the gap between her legs
that are covering her face

unfinished. (repost)

2011-04-20T23:18:00.000-04:00

stranger in the rain
with a smile upon his face
halo shining through the infinite tunnel
of what some might never get to know

he spoke so softly
that each syllable elegantly came together in a ballet
whose stage was the air
where the dance liquefied
momentarily appearing frozen
then faintly evaporating
without a trace of the hard work
it took to choreograph the theatrical charade

a charade
it was

all elegance has since vanished
into a cryptic presence of disbelief

what was once the most majestic maestro
artfully present in each moment
cunningly gave birth to the truth
heathenish hedonist
awaiting the next quarry

cataclysm at dusk. (repost)

2011-04-20T23:17:00.000-04:00

cataclysm at dusk.

dying a little bit every day
dragging our feet
to avoid inevitable decline

night falls
over a florida plain
zombies come out
on a quest to scour the land
in search of brains
blood
and souls
not backing down
until they defeat
everyone in this sick world

zombie no. 1 finds two people on a bench
enamored
intoxicated with love
holding hands
giggling
unaware of their approaching deaths

attack !

zombie no. 2 finds an unfortunate looking man
prematurely balding
walking alone
death-grip on his cellphone
wishing someone would call him

attack !

zombie no. 3 finds a supermodel
confidently strutting
cognizant of her beauty
(that society has so grossly defined)
unbeknownst to her
she too will die

attack !

everything comes in threes
and no one is immune
to the zombies that emerge
after the sun sinks into the ground

uh-oh !

2011-03-11T17:11:00.000-05:00

the plot is full of land mines
scattered about
beneath overgrown shrubs
and out in plain view
yet somehow still hidden

they await our footsteps of ignorance
or nonchalance
foolishness?
carelessness?

ah, ive always struggled with labels...

the war is escalating

we are not meant to live like this
but
each for our own reasons
here we are
in the barracks
together

outside stressors
put us in combat mode

i do not go down without a fight

never have
never will

but sometimes war just seems like such a hassle

and i might blow my own brains out
fairly soon

life's little fairytale.

2011-03-01T16:19:00.000-05:00

"there's always something better
waiting around the bend,"
said his friend.

but his friend never knew what happiness meant;
he was miserable.

painting a facade
through
photos, fans and sex.

pretending to love someone,
'til he washed his hands of her...
and onto the next.

oh,
but he had her fooled
so good!

he did a lovely job,
until the day he left.

...

alone he sat,
crying until he had no emotion left.

and,
perhaps because it's the way of the world,
she sat emotionless, too.

until the day she dreamt
that a wave had swept her away.
water filled her lungs.
she reached out for him to save her,
but he walked farther from the bay.

and she woke up that morning,
got in her squeaky little car,
and drove into the path
of an oncoming truck.

x.o.

2011-03-01T16:16:00.001-05:00

I
died.
Again.

I
didn't
think
it
was
possible.

waves

2011-02-28T10:14:00.000-05:00

waking up to the smell of salty air
sneaking into my open window

i stumble from my bed
with matted hair
and look back
to watch you so peacefully asleep

shuffling to the balcony
overlooking the ocean
surfers already being propelled
by early-morning waves

birds up ahead
a backdrop of the brightest shade of blue
accented with fluffy white clouds
and a touch of sunshine

wave
after
wave
i am in a meditative state

finally
finally

a long blink
and a deep breath
while i take it all in

finally
at peace

i found that it truly does exist

at least for a moment

and then
like everything else
that moment ends

and i wake up
alone
in a dark humid room
only to realize
that it had all been a big dream

nightmare.

2011-01-20T17:20:00.000-05:00

laughing in your face
as i pass a glance
looking over my shoulder
watching you crawl around
on your playground
watching you shit yourself
watching you eat it
watching you pull the little girl's hair
watching you point and laugh
watching you post about it on Facebook
pretending to be positive and so self-aware
yet lacking confidence to live for yourself
instead of your thousand fans

did you know that constantly putting down others
is a sign of weakness?

did you know that you are not intelligent
even though i said you were?

did you know that everyone makes fun of you
behind your back?

did you know that you are fake?

you never meant too much
i was only admiring a fairytale
that i created

i am really good at that

it keeps me entertained

so, i was actually the one in control

i was in love with who i wanted you to be
not you

so dont flatter yourself

stay lost in never-neverland
while the rest of us live our lives

the eye of the storm?

2010-12-15T15:03:00.000-05:00

isolation.

amidst a sea of seemingly happy people.
inevitable.

always the outsider,
looking in.

wondering how they can really be...
just be...
so content with life.

sure,
sometimes
it is possible to join in the land of make-believe.

but eventually non-existant enthusiasm over petty social banter fades.

and without drugs or alcohol,
thoughts have nowhere to escape.

then,
once again,
isolation sets in.

perhaps make-believe is the only way to be?

it's a mystery.

surrender.

run the day, or the day runs you

2010-12-15T11:55:00.001-05:00

like a photograph,
frozen in time...

the shadow of the lime green tree leaves just outside the window appear to be chicken feet.
brightness creeps through the dull gray blinds,
but not enough to shine on me.

feeling like a prisoner within this frame,
except
knowing that i am the art director today.

the piano played

2010-10-11T07:26:00.000-04:00

acid burning the stomach
the way flames eat through human skin

smell of charred flesh
comparable to the smell of death

intestines twisting
lower abdominal cramps

throwing up blood
staining the porcelain floor

going into convulsions
the seizure has started

with one last breath
it all ends
just like that

girl.

2010-10-11T07:14:00.000-04:00

she dreamt in vivid colors
she thought she could conquer the world
she was on a quest for something bigger
she pushed herself to her limit
she kept on trying
she tried so hard
she was her own worst critic
but it came to a point
where she was so hard on herself
that it became debilitating

she tried to turn hardship
into positivity
she tried to always tell herself
everything happens for a reason

she tried to give all that she could
to what she loved
and who she pursued

she tried to find sunshine
in the midst of a torrential storm

but she has not felt like this
since 2004

she doesnt know what to do anymore

and i am stuck in her head
i am stuck in her head

and i am trapped

i am beating on the walls
trying to claw my way out
tugging at my hair
sobbing
but still fighting

but the walls are so thick
and i cannot get through to her

trapped

suffocating

down to my last remaining breaths

i have failed you

where to go

2010-10-11T07:08:00.000-04:00

i feel so sick.
i cannot stop thinking.
i cannot relax.
i cannot motivate myself.
i cannot move forward.
something needs to change.
i need a positive boost.
i need somewhere to go.
i need a reason to move.
i feel like nothing i do is good enough.
everything just gets so messed up.
i cannot even write this stupid shit anymore.

how did it come to this?

2010-10-10T19:23:00.000-04:00

traumatized by foreign hands that reached inside
and stole a piece of her.

some days she cannot eat or sleep.
some days she cannot focus or smile.
most days she can be optimistic enough to have fun
but she keeps finding herself slipping back into unknown territory.

the room was cold.
she was pouring sweat.
protesters were chanting loudly
as she uncontrollably wept.

she waited for hours and hours
and hours and hours.
and then...
eventually it was over.

but like a reoccurring nightmare
she had to endure it again.
she had to walk into the unfortunately familiar place.

and after that she was traumatized
all over again.

flashes of cold steel. flashes of his blood-stained shirt. flashes of being yelled at. being talked down to. being touched. flashes of sweating. of shivering. of feeling so cold. and so alone. feeling like a big fuck up. feeling like scum. being prodded. being herded. being treated like a caged animal. being stared at. being ridiculed. being fucked in the head.

she wonders how her life has ended up this fucked up.

she wonders how she keeps doing everything wrong.

she wonders why she cannot seem to escape this frightening place.

and she wonders why

she feels so alone.

all

she

can

do

is

cry.

she just doesnt know what to do anymore.

her end.

2010-10-06T17:13:00.000-04:00

her hair was beautifully matted, taken hostage by the salty air. and, with no makeup on, her stunning facial features were on display, in plain view. all the world--especially her companion--could see every cute freckle. every contour. every slight change in her expression. and even every blemish. every imperfection.

he brushed her hair to the side of her sand-accented ear. kissed her on the cheek. then started to sob. his warm hand instantly turned to rubber as it slid down the side of her face. his head fell into his trembling hands.

he told her so many things that he said she would never understand.

he explained who his true love had been. and how that pretty dark-skinned girl with the flowing long black hair was somehow better than she could ever be. and how that same girl had swooped in just as their rocky acquaintanceship was turning into more of a relationship.

she half expected this outcome. her eerie suspicion had been proven to be true. she had already cried about it. and she was now numb. feeling nothing. well. except utter devastation.

so she just stared straight into the distance. at the picturesque scene. choppy water. seagulls flying overhead. a pelican dipping his long beak into the water to catch a floundering fish. she gazed far. far beyond his tears. beyond images of his true love. beyond the entire world that they had briefly shared. beyond her dreams. beyond her hopes. beyond her broken heart. she just stared.

and with her last breath--and in a monotone voice--she spoke words that one should always regret. she said, "kill me."

and to their surprise (or perhaps due to divine? intervention) a gunman appeared from beyond their wrinkled blanket. just a blur in the distance. and all in an instant... bang.

the bullet struck her freshly bronzed back. she contorted. involuntarily. the bullet tore through her insides like it was on a mission to destroy her world. came out her chest--right through her heart. then eventually fell until it was no longer seen.

her former acquaintance (lover? friend?) wrapped his arms around her, allowing her blood to seep into his pale skin.

and she died in his arms. while he cried, "what have i done?"

but... the truth is... he didnt really give a shit. and they both knew it. so the last thing that she heard as her soul passed through a mysterious portal was... another lie.

sir serpent

2010-09-08T07:00:00.000-04:00

Oh, spirit
Sir serpent
Slither through my silk sheets
Enrapture my soiled silhouette
Strangle my soul
Suck the life from me

In the midst of my slumber
Succulent venom
Seep into my veins

Strung out
Ill slip into cessation
Saturated in poison
Toxicity at play

Now slither your way
Once again
Through silk sheets

Softly falling onto the floor
Silently escaping back to your world

diagnosis.

2010-09-07T18:07:00.000-04:00

wake me up in the middle of the night
while i restlessly toss
in a pool of sweat

stuck to worn sheets
where our love had met

not sure what was going on
but well aware that something was off

...

heart
beat faster than you have ever beat before

body
grow weary
simply from standing up

sweat
pour down my confused
scared
face

hands
tremble
as i drop to the floor
wondering what has become of me

pimples
come to the surface

tears
pour out like a stream finally freed
from a cracked water pipe

heart
hurt

pain
get worse

...

i had the feeling all along

it just didn't seem real

and it still doesn't

August 7

2010-09-07T18:05:00.000-04:00

the seventh of august
or a few nights before
what happened
resulted
in terror
that i shall never forget

what is the meaning
of it all?

everything happens for a reason
doesn't it?

all i know
is that it is finally over

surrender.

2010-09-01T22:28:00.000-04:00

walking alone
in the dark.
fumbling... for what?
i don't exactly know.

i just want some sort of answer.

a bruised heart
and a weary head
have left me feeling
like i've been suffocated
once again.

back on the street
i can feel the heat.
a shadow suddenly
creeps on me.

i can hear his breath
muffling the sound of his footsteps.

my heart starts to race
its final marathon.

he throws himself atop me.
leaves me struggling.

holds me down
by my throat
and just watches me choke
until...

it all finally ends.

it was

2010-08-23T06:55:00.000-04:00

it's time to...

dig.

2010-08-02T13:49:00.000-04:00

confused by words
inquisitiveness took me away

what defines reality
is the mirror image an anomaly
what is really there
what is really going on
who was he
who was she
where have they been
where are they going
anxiety sets in

it is the end

what once seemed like an innocent adventure
has redefined itself

and apparently i am hitler

but it was not with intention
but how many times can i explain myself
to someone who just won't listen

everything is broken
everything is broken

and i'm staring at the pieces
shattered before me

nature's most disheartening death. (finally at rest)

2010-07-29T16:37:00.000-04:00

looking back,

all i see is a catastrophic mess.

the opposite of green.

death of a once-loving environment.

a dim-lit field is covered in trash.

moist, wet dirt dominating brown, dried grass.

what was once lush, blooming land

has been destroyed by your careless hands.

and for some silly reason

it makes me really fucking angry.

you took for granted the beautiful landscape,

polluted the air, which sucked the life out of the plants,

stomped atop perky flowers until they shriveled to death,

shed your trash all over the ground

without for once giving a thought to what you might harm.

did you ever fucking think

about anything beyond yourself?

your lack of empathy

has destroyed the cohabitation

of two once-strong redwoods.

and i hope that one day very soon

nature will get its revenge on selfish little you.

(yes, little!)

mission failed.

2010-07-14T07:56:00.000-04:00

through my bloodshot eyes
i saw blurred red flashing lights

the jaws of life
could not save me

i was stuck inside a crushed capsule
of mangled metal

i could faintly hear them talking about me
as my blood slowly drained from my body

i swear one of them was laughing
and making an inappropriate comment

the last thing i remember hearing
was, "RUN!"

smoke seemed to come out of nowhere
followed by an explosion

shards of metal and my body parts
decorated the night sky

rescue crews watched
...a most unhappy fourth of july

sunrise.

2010-07-13T07:16:00.001-04:00

we're driving down the highway
with the windows down
doe-eyed
watching the sun rise

norah jones is playing

...perhaps i just gave you road head...

i'm perched on my knees
looking into your big brown eyes

you're giggling

and you have that look

that look that says bliss

our brains our in love

verbal sex
is the most intense

passionately we speak
thoughts are endless
while i am talking
your words are on the tip of your tongue
impatiently awaiting interception
suddenly you take control
of our philosophical conversation
verbally fucking me into arousal
and i am sincerely getting off
my neurotransmitters are on fire

verbal sex
the most intense

and it certainly helps
that you're not too bad on the eyes

gross !

2010-07-13T07:09:00.000-04:00

your delusions make me hate you
the way you stare at my boobs while i'm talking
makes me want to vomit
the creep vibe that you give off
is fucking disgusting
but you
have
no
idea

and you never will!

the world never knew.

2010-07-06T21:51:00.000-04:00

what have i done?

cradled in lucifer's cold grip
i helplessly swung back and forth
like a pendulum
with sheer terror that one experiences
in the moments
just before death

i have failed you.

2010-07-06T07:43:00.001-04:00

i am sorry
but once again
i have failed you

disillusioned
i had become delusional
so much so
that i had seen a mirage...

it was a playground
and you were there

i delicately stepped towards what i saw
trying so hard not to disrupt
the picturesque image

unfortunately
as i have so many times before
i made my presence so obvious
that i startled you

at first you seemed impressed
excited
perched at the edge of your swing seat
graciously awaiting what i was to say or do next

a smirk painted my formerly expressionless face
i showered you with words
that caused your tender heart to ache

foolish flirtation
mixed with nervous palpitations
caused us to embrace

my shield of extreme carefulness gradually broke down
into an unmasked version
of my dual-personified self
and i threw my head back in laughter
as i played with you

charming disaster
began to ensue

the sky opened up
and gave way to harsh rain
that resulted in a flood

the playground was swallowed by choppy water
and you were carried away
by the wave
brought on by my demise

alone
i was left floundering
in a familiar sea of confusion

i cried
until i drowned

but my bloated body was never found

to sleep no more

2010-05-25T00:07:00.001-04:00

cadaver
carelessly thrown atop the moist dirt
tossed aside
for maggots to gorge themselves on

rigor mortis
come out and play
make him stiff
as his warmth fades away

body snatcher
come
it is your turn next
with the newly sharpened scalpel in hand
you shall grace what is left
of his deteriorating skin

cut through his chest
with what we thought was the sharpened scalpel
but is instead the dull rusted knife
reach deep into his chest
and rip his heart out

lucky sevens.

2010-05-03T17:58:00.001-04:00

i was the lifeless cold corpse
exposed on your shiny steel
table, in Bringenbranger's
mortuary. doctor... who?
ohhhhh... yes... doctor... you! that is
how you'd introduced yourself
to my limp and affection-
starved body. just as quickly
as you had seen my wounded
self, you had started the deep
penetration disguised as
essential exploration
to help you diagnose my
trauma. slicing through stiff skin,
you'd gotten beneath my shield
of protection. and it did
not take too long before you
had found the cause for my death--
i had trusted that kind man
with the handsome stubbly face
whom i had befriended and
trusted for years. but on that
fateful day, when his patience
was overshadowed by his
testosterone overload
and the pissing contest quest
to finally be crowned king,
he had done to me the most
horrifying thing... doctor
oh, doctor, you're the only
one who will ever know just
what i went through when i died.

good morning, my love.

2010-05-03T17:43:00.000-04:00

shaken awake
abruptly re-
introduced to
noisy banter
and more plastic
smiles. he had told
me not to fret--
that i was more
than typical;
that i was so
beautiful; that
i had my own
fashion sense, mixed
with elegance;
that i'd meant more
to him than what
i had falsely
interpreted.
well, dear love, well...
the joke was on
me. when he ran
away and left
me wondering
how to regain
the strength to play
the "catch me" game.

part 1.

2010-03-28T21:02:00.000-04:00

drifting into a dark smoke-saturated room
suffocating with each grueling breath i take
fighting my way through the smoldering flames
desperately searching for a path to the door

but there are no open paths...

...i remember when i was shaken awake in the middle of the night
and carried down the stairs
then led out the front door
and across the street
rubbing my tired eyes
i curiously looked back
and over my shoulder
i saw the fire

i will never forget falling asleep on their floor
the last thing that i saw
was his feet
and the flashing red lights that shone in from across the street

i felt alone
even though i was being helped

and for some strange reason
this was always how i'd felt

i don't remember much else
except waking up the next morning
and being marched back into the house
while stale smoke caused more coughing

it all ended right there

t.g.

2010-03-27T23:56:00.001-04:00

i
feel
absolutely
nothing.

i
cannot
feel
anymore.

what
now
?

t.
g.
<3

Missing you...

2010-03-23T01:07:00.000-04:00

I miss sleeping in your arms.
You are so fucking perfect
because I love your imperfections--
especially that very cute one
that no one ever mentions.
I sort of hate how much I love you
and how I could never tell you.
But we are not meant to be together
because we are just too free spirited.
Still, I miss going to sleep
next to you...
when my head rested upon your chest
or was burrowed beneath your neck,
and whenever I happened to awake
and always you were touching me to some degree.
You have really changed me
and you always make me see the good in everything,
but not being able to sleep with you sort of sucks.
I will never forget the feeling
of being the luckiest girl in the world.
I will never forget our first date...
Or our second one...
When you came to my door and all I could think was how you were the hottest guy I'd ever seen.
And I will never forget the first time we met
and how unexpected it was.
It was only for a few minutes,
but I immediately fell in love with you,
and your love of life.
Too bad I ruined it,
but that's what I do.
Sorry.
You came into my life for a reason.
But I really wish you were with me tonight
because I always slept so peacefully when you were in my bed.
I miss you, man.
Thanks for letting me feel heaven for one last time.

ode to quitting my job :-)

2010-02-08T08:06:00.000-05:00

here ye here ye
ladies and gents
how long will i last?
lets take bets

corporate america
makes me so fucking sick
my soul is being sucked out
and i feel like im dead

how long will i go through motions
i am fully against
how many days will i last
before i figure out what to do next?

i keep it covered up so well though
nobody fully realizes
the extent of my inner hell

another unfinished one...

2010-02-02T07:39:00.000-05:00

i close my eyes and see your face
at first i feel joy
but then my thoughts contort my smile
tearing it up like a pack of vultures rip apart the carcass of a raccoon
ravenously devouring it
until all that's left is a pile of bones

my smile became a skeleton of its former self
and i was left with a blank expression on my face
as i felt absolutely nothing

devoid of emotion
i sit and i stir
going through the motions

oh, you. again!

2010-01-15T09:35:00.000-05:00

Your call to me made me feel so good
all of the nice things that you said
and how you took time out of your day
to help me
(on more than one occasion).
...and you think that I am intelligent too!
I guess I always knew
that you believed in me
even more than I'd believed in myself
but
being one of the smartest men whom I've ever met
your saying that stuff
just really drives me to push myself.
It means so much more coming from you
because I look at you like a role model.
Aspects of you are who I aspire to be.

As I sipped my coffee this morning
I was daydreaming about what I would say
if the day ever came
that I chose to confess my love for you.
Ha.
I know it won't though.
That would be so inappropriate...
It's certainly funny to think about though.

But I know that our lives crossed paths for a reason.

I sometimes think back to the first day that we officially met
and how I turned around and looked at you
as I was smiling with intimidation
at the size of your brain
and your relaxed, but somewhat anxious, yet confident demeanor.

Your calming presence always put me at ease.
You were always like a counselor to me.
Thank you so much for believing in me.

One day I hope to see you again.
Maybe I should arrange a lunch meeting...

Oh and
by the way
I am truly sorry for never calling you back.
I just didn't know what to say to you
because you make me so nervous sometimes.
And I don't like you seeing me weak
even though you've seen me cry and fall apart numerous times...
but you always told me I was just too hard on myself...
Anyway,
I wanted it to be perfect
when we finally spoke.
It's one of those things that would've only worked out
if I waited until it felt right.
And it was definitely worth the wait.

he knows.

2010-01-08T01:17:00.000-05:00

in a beautiful cocoon
we fell asleep sandwiched together
cuddling within soft woven silk
listening to the crickets faintly chirping
over the stillness of the night
just you and me
in our own little world

and that feeling
oh
that feeling
of waking up in your arms
and with your face resting upon mine
and my pretending to be comfortable
just to accommodate you
as you slept so peacefully

and those words
oh
those things you'd said
did you even fucking mean any of them?
the twisted thing is that
i really think that you did!
in my heart
i truly believe
you love me.
why then
why
did the cocoon cease to exist?

why did you have to break away
escaping what was finally happening
and fly into your comfort zone?

just because you finally have wings
does not mean you should use them so quickly
and foolishly

the last thing i want is to see you hurt or upset
but if she did it to you once
she will probably do it to you again
oh
fuck
by she do i mean me?
no.
that really cannot be it
because the wrong that i did to you
was before things had been...well, whatever it was that eventually happened...

all i know
is that there is no turning back
maybe i've said too much
maybe i've done too much
but i am not afraid to be me

and one day
you will finally convince yourself to have the balls to agree
verbally
after all, you've done it a couple times before

i still remember the first time we ever met
and all those years ago
i would have never
ever
foreseen any of this fucking shit

my twin.

2009-11-16T22:36:00.001-05:00

oh what it's like...
to feel so isolated from humanity
that you swear you must be living on a different plain
so...
what's it like?
...it's just something that the saint sitting in solitude can never explain

the only people the saint really feels connected to
are the few who are as disconnected as she is

therefore their human relationship cycle seems to continuously be heading in what most would call a downward spiral

but why?

some days the saint wakes up
with dreams in her head
wanting a husband and children and a family to spend life with
but there is always an unexplainable, unimaginable, undefinable, unknown barrier that keeps her from getting what she thinks she ultimately wants

it's as if her saintlike features dissipate every now and then
until she's left austere
a stoic statue
or rather
more like a ghost
for she's visible to some and she manages to blend in
but in reality she is living in a dimension that most people don't even know exists

so what is next
in this story of life?

a saint or a sinner?
an old maid or a wife?

oh
all these thoughts
that went through her head
as she sat there seemingly uninterested
while enviously observing the loving dad with his two daughters
and wishing she could feel emotion

-Dexter.

you're not so bad...

2009-11-11T00:33:00.000-05:00

fascination!
get back, devastation!

i've been walkin' these streets for what seems like an eternity
down dead-end roads
kicking up dirt with each step of my cowgirl boot strut

yeah, you know what i mean
after all, we're all people
and we are all pretty much the same

there's nothing like a cool southern night
when the moisture has been sucked from the air
and breezes come and go like the tide

i remember savannah
i remember atlanta
i remember gainesville
and i remember south florida

all the places i've been to
have made me appreciative of wherever i go

often times i think of us
when we used to be in each other's lives
we rode our bicycles through empty roads
and you taught me how to drive
i told you about all of the guys in my life
and i told you my innermost thoughts
you meant so much to me
but i was also enraged by certain things

i remember our road trips
usually with the windows down
i remember driving to and from jersey
and the fights that ensued

and i know that lately
you've been making an effort to include yourself in my life
at first i was bitter
and felt like it was too late
but i've realized to let go of negativity
for we cannot change the past

but finally at last
i can see good things ahead
and listening to these southern songs reminds me of you
and so does wearing cowgirl boots

you were always a southern guy at heart

and i know this all happened for a reason

i love you
even though we never tell that to each other

they told me

2009-11-11T00:08:00.000-05:00

there are so many things i want to say to you
when the time is right
but not tonight
not tonight

i was squirming in bed just thinking about it
and about how excited you would be to hear my words

recently ive been having visions
that i never used to have
it seems that everything i envision
has been coming to life
the good and the bad
i see it all
i dont live on impulse as much these days
and i often think of us
and how we used to be
in our old days

but its all changed

and everything happens for a reason

if only
if only tonight was next week
i can see it now
the way you will react
when i tell you the things that have cluttered my thoughts
these past few months
or maybe even years

but you will see
one day
you will see

headin' to the ol' northeast.

2009-11-08T20:44:00.000-05:00

headin' to the ol' northeast.

i feel like im suffocating here.
something needs to change.
i might need to go back up north.
i might need to try grad school.
or to simply run away.
you have killed me.
i feel like i cannot make a move.
i am frozen in the memory of what happened so many years ago.
i cannot breathe.

time to run.

2009-11-08T20:33:00.000-05:00

time to run.

the whole world was watching
and i crawled back into my cave
secluding myself from everything
causing me pain
well at least thats what i had thought
but then i realized i was the one to blame
for everything thats been going on

but what are you doing to me?
why are you doing this to me?

i cannot be around you anymore
so much that i feel the need (more than ever) to explore
and to relocate

you inflate me with hope and make me feel like i can accomplish anything
the way you look at me makes me smile
you actually see me
you do not objectify me
you make me feel so wonderful
the way you touch me gives me goosebumps
i like you so much that its too much for our own good

why cant you be a jerk?

one day you will make some girl very happy
but i dont think that girl is me

im too messed up

so now i must leave

twins.

2009-10-23T07:12:00.000-04:00

watching a show on post-traumatic stress disorder
catapults thoughts into the pits of hell
what the fuck happened?
she asks herself
hasn't a lifetime's worth of inquisitiveness been enough?
will we ever get any answers?
who is responsible for the disaster?
having no clue of the extent of what happened
being trapped in a black box in another dimension
we are losing air
we are
losing
air!
an intoxicating feeling morphs into dread
a panic attack leaves you feeling dead
but why?
will we ever know?
and now
now
so many years have past
but each time something starts to seem okay
we question every little fucking thing
is there sincerity behind what he said?
should he be acting differently
or is this all in our head?
is he the one at fault
or are we?
he can be read like a book
but still
this story is full of so many metaphors
that it becomes hard (even for lit majors) to interpret
what hides behind his handsome face?
what happened to him?
that is the bigger question
but should we wait to see what is going to happen to us?
or should we walk away now?
oh
the questions.
reliving a nightmare that makes us want to choke
separates us from normalcy (from a social standpoint)
leave us alone.

you (again)

2009-10-23T07:07:00.000-04:00

i just saw a photo of you
dressed up
in a funny costume
i immediately felt so confused
ah
if only you knew
if only
if only our lives would've crossed paths
10 years ago
well
and if only i was born five years earlier
still
we met for a reason
i am forever indebted to you
for your kindness and understanding
the things you said to me
each day
and how unbeknownst to me at the time
you had predicted my future
i want so badly
to call you up
tell you all the things that have changed
in my life that was once so fucked up
but i have been putting it off
i thought of emailing you just last week
but then i decided not to
if only
if only you knew
i miss you
but i am fully satisfied with my life here
and i know that i had to move
because the timing was off
you saw me for who i could be
and i knew that town was destroying me
so i fled
but for once in my life
running away was the best thing i had ever done
thank you
one day we will meet again

another day

2009-10-23T07:04:00.001-04:00

in my daydream i saw it all

you were on top of me and i grabbed you

holding your handsome face between my hands

as you kissed me all over

the room was steamy

i was drenched

from the shower of compliments

but what happened the next day

that is yet to be seen...

appreciation.

2009-10-11T20:21:00.001-04:00

without you i would be lost.
<3

oh. the things we love.

2009-10-08T23:04:00.000-04:00

from time to time
reality escapes me
i plunge into a sea of books
submerging myself into the depths of endless words
isolating myself from humanity
it's therapeutic
yet at the same time
rather maddening
is it healthy?
is what is healthy subjective?
can it even be defined?
a vacation for the mind
seems to be the origin of my quest
but in time
this voyage ends up having the opposite effect
as my endless thoughts are propelled
into new "what ifs"
and my mind can't relax
because it becomes prisoner of the pages
i am ever so inquisitive
always seeking answers
that one is perhaps not even meant to know
why then do i continue
to lose myself in words?
whether reading them or writing them
it seems like an unavoidable form of escapism
or maybe it's an obsession
ah
perspective

oh
to be me

calavera

2009-10-08T10:01:00.000-04:00

i looked at you in the most curious way

studying every inch of your partially shaven face

with my arm atop your chest

i peacefully slipped into slumber

i dreamt as i had many times before

things that i needn't write in a poem

and each time i awoke

i was there in your arms

you held on to me like i was the one

and you rested your face upon mine

this continued all night long

until i winced as the morning light began to shine into our room

anchored. again.

2009-10-07T22:26:00.001-04:00

this is the last time it happened. reread it. it's all here!
http://thewindcriesme.blogspot.com/2009/08/anchored.html

monster.

2009-10-07T22:19:00.000-04:00

waking up in another dimension
embodying a foreign mass
that makes you so sick to your stomach
you vomit all over the floor
staining the freshly shampooed rug
that your talons are piercing through

what???

you're stuck
you can't move

panic overtakes you

so much that you can't even write

ladies man

2009-10-02T00:17:00.000-04:00

we don't need no status
baby

our love is real

societal labels are something i never wanted
and still don't
so don't expect me to say those words first

it isn't happening

but this match is definitely here to stay

and it's okay
you can still act like a ladies man
because we both know i see you as the freak with the paper bag on his head
and you love it
and i love you
and i love that you don't know i have this blog

<3

mais non, il est très beau

2009-10-01T23:52:00.000-04:00

everything is wonderful tonight

waking up next to someone who dreams so big
and has the courage and optimism to persist
makes me giddy and hopeful and radiant with glee
and laughing at my former self
for briefly getting wrapped up in someone so resistant

i said goodbye to fantasy land
well the one that starred a peter pan
but now i'm in this exciting place
surrounded by courageous fighters
who are truly confident in themselves
and don't feel the need to constantly tear others apart
put others down
or elevate themselves

and in the past few months i have done so much
adventure
adventure
feeling alive
adventure
adventure
trying new things
being active again
traveling to new lands
being around new friends
who don't surround themselves in bar scenes

thank you

i think i'm going to crawl into bed now
and fall asleep in your arms

there's something to be said
for a real man
who lives life to the fullest and isn't afraid to let others in
who has real jobs
works with people of all ages
isn't wrapped up in the social lives of teenagers
who's living his dreams
and inspiring me to continue living mine
while i write
write
and write

he never ceases to amaze me
with his determination
and willingness to succeed

and together they journeyed
and saw the world
taught each other everything they knew
and together learned even more
with their open minds
ravenous for intelligent banter and enlightening conversation
with a touch of spontaneous energy
never allowing anxiety or jealousy to ruin their appetites

and instead of spending time
worrying about everyone else
obsessing over scene points or how everyone thought they felt
they were simply enraptured with life
being accepting of all people
never seeing in color
not putting down everyone they encountered

just
loving life

dream
dream
dream
dream big

never give up
and never let someone insecure hold you down for too long

oh! the places you will go. now.

2009-09-29T07:18:00.000-04:00

Hear ye, Hear ye! Good news for all
and by all
I mean all the men in this town
who are as small minded as you are.

You can have your bar trash now.
She's finally free.
And her going rate is only some beer,
cigarettes, a compliment and your "manly" testosterone.

The best kind of trash
is the kind that's easy to take out.

But remember
to double bag it.
This trash has been leaking all over town!

Also remember
to continue your game--
the one where you each talk shit about one another
and pretend you're above each other.
But then entertain yourselves
by trading off on ego stroking
and feeding your hungry,
poor souls that are clearly
lacking self esteem.
We all buy it.
Really!

Not!

Actually, you're just making fools of yourselves.
But it definitely amuses us.
So keep it up.

In closing,
it's time to say
good luck
and fare well.
Enjoy your "happiness" together
while reality goes on around you.

the man in black.

2009-09-27T00:45:00.001-04:00

you will never read this.
you are far too mature for the internet.
that's one reason why i admire you.

i remember the way you kissed me
on the side of my face
i remember when you touched me
so gently that my heart raced

that day we spent in the park
everything that you had said
the way you were looking at me
and the way you invited me to meet your family
but as the girl afraid to commit
i awkwardly declined

still you held me later on
but not like a horny brainless dude
instead you held me
as if you'd really cared and felt secure

your fingers delicately crept down my lower back
and i was squirming on the inside
but trying my hardest to act nonchalant

later on i told you that i'd secretly wished you'd made a move
but who knows
that could've ruined everything
even more than my selfishness did

oh
oh
oh
puzzles
how i love puzzles
figuring things out
having no answers

it simply makes me ecstatic
i get this euphoric high off of the unknown

this is another reason why i like you so much.

you are not a creature of habit
actually you sort of are
but you are definitely erratic in the way you behave
how you sometimes seem to look at me like you're into it
and occasionally you leave me wondering
wondering what
i suppose i don't know

i remember the first night we ever met
well i remember the beginning of it
the first time i saw your face
who would've known we would know each other this many years later

isn't it all so bizarre?

i remember the night i was making out with my man at the time
i thought he was the hottest person i had ever come across in my entire life
and i watched you watching me
and i devilishly found joy in the situation
why?
i have no idea
pure evil and thrill i suppose

p.s. then that asshole broke my heart.

and then as time passed
i crawled back into your arms
and you actually welcomed me

and you tried to show me that it could work
again
and again
but i ran away

i think i'm here to stay
yet i don't know what i want

i am thoroughly enjoying this game
of catch me if you can
you are bringing to me
a thrill
that i haven't experienced in so long

why did we meet?

i am sorry for what i did to you
sorry for not being there
sorry for leaving
sorry i didn't care
sorry i fucked up the last time you again reached out to me
but please understand
i'm unstable
i thrive on uncertainty and puzzles
i love surprises, challenges and mystery
and right now
you seem to be
enrapturing me

don't ever change.

If it had been...

2009-09-27T00:39:00.000-04:00

for years could it have been
that you were the one
who could have saved me
all of the wrong that i had done?

what's between us is outlandish
an unspoken mirage.

we both see this picture
until it fades into nothing.

however
it seems that what we see
comes at different times
of different days in the week.

so perhaps it's not you...

but then why the butterflies
and the cute innocent vibes?
it's almost like two virgins
stalling their demise (yes, demise).

i studied your hands
in the dull gray room.
i saw them tremble
when you played with your phone.

do i make you nervous?

did we miss our opportunity?
can you ever forgive me
for thinking he was so great?
the main problem here is
i still kinda do...
but really i don't know.
because sometimes i wonder
if he could be you.

mister hateful.

2009-09-03T15:36:00.000-04:00

mister hateful.

you are wrapped up in a materialistic convolution
and you draw conclusions about everyone you meet
whether they care for you or not is beyond your comprehension
youve manifested yourself in thoughtless distrust

how the fuck do you expect me to react?

it makes me sick to read the scrapbook of your life
everything you do is for societal acceptance
a socially awkward buffoon standing 6 feet tall
living up there in a world of your own

but no one is admiring you
dont you see that?

...we sat outside your house on the cold wooden bench
it was the night after i had given up my heart
(to someone else of course)
as we gazed up at the stars
the meteor shower of your hateful words
swarmed around my shivering body
trying to smile and console you
i tried my best to convince you that there was more to life than this

well you got your wish

now you sit alone somewhere else
or perhaps youre joined by your newfound love
crying your eyes out as you look below
dwarfing her with your shadow as you so often do

i just want you to be aware of one very important thing
i still remember the first night we ever met
and i remember very much that i was far from impressed
what i do not recall is how many years ago that was
or how many years ago we actually started to become close

but a heart full of lead never led to a love affair
and a fistful of hatred never leaves you anywhere
except where you are right now

nee wol lah

2009-09-02T15:32:00.000-04:00

the pumpkin man comes to town

on a full moon night

each fall

scarecrows stand guard outside the

dark cemetery

entrance

werewolves howl at the children

underneath the full

moon glow

vampires suck all the blood

out of lively girls

and boys

frankenstein frees himself from

the room where he is

locked up

zombies eat brains of the youth

devouring all

the hope

that there will be another

halloween next year

the end

our fate.

2009-08-31T07:44:00.000-04:00

what does the universe intend for us to do?
we are together again
and it feels right
but it makes me wonder why
we have been intercepted so many times
and why you almost made me cry

you still give me butterflies
and you still make me smile
but a part of me still wants to play with fire

fate will determine
chapter 3
perhaps we will end up on adventures in south america
(but... will he?)
or maybe we might each find someone else

but theres no sense in sitting here
trying to figure it out
when all i really want
is what i have right now

thank you for understanding
well
at least to some degree

poor you.

2009-08-29T01:27:00.000-04:00

you know my secrets
i know yours

but i admit all of my flaws
and i am armed with an arsenal of confidence
courage
strength
will power
and love to give

unfortunately you seem to lack such weapons
and you will therefore be a casualty
of this life you probably call war

everything is a god damn fight with you

i truly feel sorry for you
but after our last fight
i decided that i am done
trying to make you happy
only you can make yourself happy
but
you never will

keep drinking
keep denying
keep running
keep hiding
keep moving around
wherever you run to
you will still be you
and you will never be happy

i really saw some potential in you
but i dont anymore

its a shame
i think your parents ruined you

and you know
that i used to be a lot like you
but i changed
you dont seem to be capable

so i guess this is goodbye

oh
and me?
im in love
yay
love

woe is you

prize.

2009-08-18T14:41:00.000-04:00

last night

as i fell asleep

cradled in your arms

i smiled at the thought

of why those other things had fallen apart

i am right where i need to be

and you are here

to complete me

drive is an inspiration

laughter is contagious

speaking so intelligently

is enlightening

you were worth the wait

cataclysm at dusk.

2009-08-18T10:39:00.000-04:00

cataclysm at dusk.

dying a little bit every day

dragging our feet

to avoid inevitable decline

night falls

over a florida plain

zombies come out

on a quest to scour the land

in search of brains

blood

and souls

not backing down

until they defeat

everyone in this sick world

zombie no. 1 finds two people on a bench

enamored

intoxicated with love

holding hands

giggling

unaware of their approaching deaths

attack !

zombie no. 2 finds an unfortunate looking man

prematurely balding

walking alone

death-grip on his cellphone

wishing someone would call him

attack !

zombie no. 3 finds a supermodel

confidently strutting

cognizant of her beauty

(that society has so grossly defined)

unbeknownst to her

she too will die

attack !

everything comes in threes

and no one is immune

to the zombies that emerge

after the sun sinks into the ground

the last piece.

2009-08-18T09:30:00.001-04:00

the last piece.

i remember it like it was yesterday

all of the cryptic words spoken

still devastate me

piece by piece

trying to fix what broke

lying through teeth

he wrote her off

in my dark, cold car

i drove away from it all

but i had to pull over

when i finally lost control

streaks of tears frozen on my pale cheeks

i dialed his number and he tried to console me

casually speaking of this and that

words mean nothing

in tragic times

but he said it was all just a blessing in disguise

she told me that i had done the right thing

but all of it made me sick to my stomach

but after everything

even after this

i just couldn't put the god damn thing to rest

not until the last piece was broken

there's no fixing what has happened

she drove away

again

but this time she took me with her

self-reflection.

2009-08-14T01:25:00.001-04:00

i go back
and read
some of these
poems
or whatever they are

and i truly think
i am embodied
by multiple
personalities

what is real?
what is fabricated?

i have no idea

actress

2009-08-14T01:18:00.000-04:00

you pulled the wool over my eyes
but what i never verbalized
to you
was that it was a voluntary disguise

pretended to be aloof
playing the role of the stupid girl
who had no idea

of what you were doing.

another secret.

2009-08-10T00:35:00.000-04:00

we have not spoken in more than one year
but from what i hear
you had another daughter
or was it a son?
i have forgotten

did you ever know how much i worshiped you?
one of the smartest men i had ever known

i want so badly to pick up my phone
call you tomorrow
and ask how youve been
and ask for advice
in dealing with my demons

but i no longer have your number

i can email you
i suppose

but what will it do?

could you have liked me too?

you believed in me
even when i didnt believe in myself
you told me i was too smart
for my surroundings
you told me one day i would see
the real me
you told me i would outgrow my friends
you told me i would succeed

you meant so much to me
but i was so full of anxiety
i could never tell you

i still remember our last conversation
the innocence mixed with awkwardness
as you lectured me through devastation

old soul
thats what you are
only a few years older
but far more mature
than anyone else i have ever known

i reached out to you
once since then
you called me to help me
with my problem

but i never called you back

why?

i have no idea
i guess i didnt want you to see me weak
and i didnt want to involve you
in topics so bleak

but again
lately
youve been on my mind

should i try to reach out to you
or is it all too weird?

your wife is so lucky
to have found a real man

i never told anyone
the truth
never told anyone
how i thought of you

you were my biggest secret
and you will always be
the one who got away
because he was never within my reach

i was too young

though people say im an old soul
you are too
and the space between us
ends up multiplying times two
when we are both beyond our years

but why are you in my mind
please crawl out
i cant deal with these thoughts right now

anchored.

2009-08-10T00:04:00.000-04:00

i feel like the walls are closing in
im drowning in my secret sin

without any hope
the last drops fade away
bleeding out
where the shard of glass cut my leg

intentional? emotional? a battle wound?
you did it to me again
abusive twin

you sat me down
against the bathroom wall
defacing the stoic statue
of confidence
that stood before us

the statue
of
us!

then you laughed
you laughed
oh so hard

and i sat there in pain
as it formed into a scar

holding me down
beneath the murky water

sometimes you get the power
and i get devoured

but i am you

its all so complex

i cant explain it to anyone
without looking nuts

and now i am anchored
for another year

causing me to panic
sheer
terror
overtaking us
your heart beats so rapidly
and im left gasping for air

what has gone on for so long
will have to continue
because i am too weak
to leave here

remember that time you went to bed?
tried to sleep before 10
but sprung up instead?

ate until you could barely take another breath
tried to make yourself throw up
before it would digest

but you failed at that too

but i am you

wait
am i?

did any of this really happen?

whats wrong with us?

"My marriage is a fake Fendi."

2009-07-23T10:55:00.001-04:00

"My marriage is a fake Fendi."

today is a particularly unfortunate day.

2009-07-23T10:21:00.000-04:00

amassing an unfathomable amount of uncertainty

leaves us slowly sinking in our own stagnancy.

what brought us here?

that day she told me what i never wanted to hear,

the world around me shattered

as if everything i'd ever worked for collapsed

into an unorganized mound of mementos.

to live or die?

...no one ever really knows.

why is this happening,

she asks herself.

how are we not in better health?

it's almost as though a hidden force

creeps through the heavens (or the pits of hell)

and awaits a victim to seduce.

once the chosen one is found

the phantom force catapults itself

into the life of the most hopeful unfortunate spirit.

speaking in generalities and contradictions?

why, yes!

weaving through a labyrinth of devastation without regrets?

yes!

what perpetually lurks in the dark shadows of her thoughts

will eventually put an end to whatever she works for.

what brought us here?

anxiety and boredom.

unfinished.

2009-07-21T01:20:00.000-04:00

the fool in la foule.

2009-07-20T22:28:00.000-04:00

heart palpitations eating her alive
anxiety swelling into an obstruction
enfeebling demon
overtaken us all

the paper that tore a family apart
paper that made a dent in her heart
paper that slowly kills her
makes her sick to her stomach
blanches her once-friendly features
thins her grayed hair
causes it to fall out on her cracked bathroom tile
from stress to sleep apnea
a snowball effect
she slept on the couch again
rat ran past
then scurried into her mouth
as she violently slept
she woke up struggling
in a coughing fit
then called me for help
with her very last breath
but i couldn't help her
because i'd made the same mistakes she had
and i was already dead
from the paper that caused so much stress.

it certainly is the root of all evil.

your last night in town.

2009-07-20T21:17:00.000-04:00

beneath the vibrant smile
of that tender angelic face
hides the real you
damaged beyond disgrace

breathe in.

breathe out.

fight for your life.

walk along the deserted beach
voluntary(?) solitary confinement
...because it's all so far out of your reach...

your shifting twisted ribcage begs for mercy
beneath your scarred skin
jagged bones terrorize your insides
poking from side to side
pleading to be liberated from this prison

gait dysfunction
anatomical anomaly
walking farther and farther into darkness
self-neglected insanity

breathe in.

breathe out.

fight. for what?

gazing out into the raven water
not sure what you're even scanning for
suddenly the light of the full moon glow
shines down
idiopathic epilepsy overtakes your
now paralyzed body

drowning in your own distrust
grappling with your former self
swallowed by the eclipse of your own shadow
left in a spiritless state
waiting in damp sand
to be washed away by dawn

what have you done?
what
have
you
done
?

it's just a cartoon !

2009-07-18T13:36:00.001-04:00

thinking of what you said to me
last night
the way you sometimes look at me
as if you're trying to find something to critique

i know it isn't me
i know it is you
you're unhappy with yourself
so you must shred apart the pride
of everyone else
or at least attempt to

though i love you so
that i let you get away with your childish games
i do not throw back in your face
anything you say to me
i will not let you bring me
to your level
of self-hatred

nothing is ever good enough
for you
no one is good enough
except for someone so far out of your reach
that you know it's impossible to even be with

do you think i don't know
that you put on a show?
it is obvious
you are nothing more
than a caricature of yourself

what will come of me
when i stop watching tv?
you know what i mean

but it has yet to be seen

memories of episodes fading
slowly
reruns as i recall
when laughter used to come
so easily
but
now i submerge myself
into the opposite of lonely

i won't wait around anymore
for this cartoon to come to life

and you will die
in syndication
while i reach my destination

your fame will not come

mother
oh mother
save me
from yourself

crawling back to her.

2009-07-18T13:32:00.000-04:00

"never
again
will
i
crawl
back
into
your
arms"

...that's what he said.

then
he
did
it
like
he
had
time
and
time
again

under a spell with no end.

for what it may be worth.

2009-07-18T10:34:00.000-04:00

twist into what waits for you
duck your head beneath your bent leg
awaken yourself in another state

you lost your grip
but begging wont help
nothing will save you from yourself

the strain is killing you
or so you feel
youve no concept of what is real

never again
you say more than once
never again will you ever thrust

they told him
he couldnt reach
til he stretched himself

but he did
he did
but that wasnt enough

mistake
yes it was
an even bigger mistake
that was too

forever
and ever
the escape to strength never comes

no more weights
wait
no more pull

are you flexible yet?
do you get what i mean?

your secret.

2009-07-16T00:52:00.000-04:00

your secret.

holding my breath
as i grip the cold steel bars
holding on to avoid death
life flashes before my eyes

i saw myself
sitting in your favorite chair
but you were not there
you'd told me you would call
so i waited by the phone
all night long

next thing i remember
was waking up
seeing the phone off the hook
a piercing dial tone
echoed deep within my hollow soul
i felt vibrations throughout my body
causing me to cry out with worry

then i remember
stepping out of my body
watching me lay there
alone in your room
next to your favorite chair

then i watched you
wrap me in a blanket
and bury me under your stairs

fight.

2009-07-10T07:49:00.000-04:00

fight.

next time i see you
i think i'm going to
punch you
in
the
face.

and i know
i'm going to
run into
you
soon.

selective mutism.

2009-07-06T19:23:00.000-04:00

i have not spoken to anyone today.

unintentionally
my curiosity
is costing me
my way
with words.

fuck.

the choir triumphantly sang
for you
for us?
maybe.

the beggar spat
murderous words
at your pampered face
so maliciously
that they riddled your rosy red cheeks
with bullets...

well,

in our imagination--
or my imagination?

fascination...
or something like that.

why are you so silent?
why do you choose to not speak?

i swallowed
the warm air
the mime breathed out
of his silent mouth.

then i coughed
until my throat was raw
causing blood to come out
as i coughed some more.

but you were already dead
so you didn't even notice.

angelic presence.

2009-07-06T19:13:00.000-04:00

beneath strangers' lips
unknown words exist

i saw the smile
on that little old man
when he looked as his little old wife
she threw back her head
and joined in

angelic presence
presents itself
in more forms than one
and in this case
in two

happiness
souls searching for
what they yearn for
but if they can't find it within
it will never surface

we are all just people
energy
that's what she said to me
angelic presence
in the form of a 50-year-old artist

watching a film
about conversations
amongst strangers
who collectively wonder
the same
exact
things

our purpose?
our plan?

stop complaining

put a smile on your face

it's all about perspective
that's what he said to me
angelic presence
in the form of a 26-year-old gentleman

it all happens for a reason

why can't we all just realize this
and stop analyzing things?

with a sigh,

2009-07-03T03:29:00.000-04:00

with a sigh.

"just a reddish tin"
yup
still longing for a place
in my confusing life
all these years have past
but you always fucking reappear

...

tonight
something told me to look up
i always could feel your presence
i guess i still can
i stopped midsentence
in the midst of a good time with my friends
i know you saw me
why were you looking
why couldnt you just fucking walk by
and not get my attention
i had been lost in the presence
of my favorite people
laughing
not thinking
of anyone like you
but you ruined it
now i am back to where i started
but part of me is saying
to just let go
to stop thinking of the past
and people like you
you never deserved me
you never will
but i just wish our lives never crossed paths.

downtown +
living in a small city +
having a past life here =
endless encounters with people youd rather avoid.

he.

2009-07-01T18:13:00.000-04:00

he.

with an aura like that of the greatest reformer
(or is it like that of a dictator?)
a mysterious presence like that of a magician
one swoop of your cape
civilization vanishes off stage

with the belly laugh of a child
(or is it like that of a bully?)
an imaginative way of thinking
one thought propels you
into a fairyland castle

with hidden intentions like that of an illusionist
(or is it like that of a politician?)
to you everything is a game
one move then wait
anticipate when your opponent will break

with porcelain skin like that of a model
(or is it like that of a mannequin?)
confidence of a grizzly bear
one who is on the hunt
ready to devour whatever he loves.

oh, how joyful

2009-06-28T21:23:00.001-04:00

oh, how joyful i feel when i see you smile
watching your ego mold itself into a monument
larger than life
passively proud of you
passionately listening
intense curiosity
caused by charismatic verbosity
floundering wide-eyed
watching you cast another line
drowning in the sea of fantasy
morality dormant
excitement
fulfillment

then you leave

but im not done yet

please come back

i have something for you

that will

fulfill your quest for excitement
awaken what was once dormant
in a sea of reality
you reel in the catch
with a stern and brief command
being aloof
losing interest
actively feeling pity
for someone so small
watching your walls crumble
oh, how joyful i feel when i see you fall

forget it

2009-06-28T21:17:00.001-04:00

everything reminds me of you
in his arms
hearing the songs
what goes on around me
all day long
you are in the back of my mind
i am trying
trying
to let it be
set myself free
know that you
are the only one
who can choose to come back to me
but i keep wanting to cry
except i cannot do that
because thoughts of you
make me too happy
but then i feel sad
wondering what i did
why did i utter those words
why did i let happen what is now done
why did we meet again
why did i have to run into you
why cant you see me
why did you run away so quickly
youd filled me with optimism
yet managed to make me feel cheated
lost
confused
confused is the word
never has anything confused me so much
nothing like this had ever happened to me before
i dont even know how to react
or if i already reacted too much
forget about us
fuck
i cannot write about this anymore

i hate to be the bearer of bad news...

2009-06-23T23:03:00.000-04:00

i hate to be the bearer of bad news...

but...

leave me alone
you are suffocating me
the reason i ignore you so much
is because i feel smothered

you are not me
you need your own identity
i know i talk a lot sometimes
and i theorize
and explain to you my philosophies
on life
on MY life
not yours

you then act is if we are one
and try to live by
the norms ive created for myself

it makes me want to vomit

theres nothing worse than a man with no mind of his own

oh and
dont think i fail to notice
that you make up words

do you know how repulsive i find that to be?

its not very becoming of you
or of anyone
im a fucking editor
i cant stand people who are verbally retarded

the only reason i dont say anything
is because im too nice

but its really getting old

people like us
arent meant to be together in this cold world

sorry
except im not sincerely apologetic

i find you boring
stupid
childish
and pussy whipped
and i wish you would realize
you mean nothing to me
except a toy

and dont think for a second
i would ever hook up with you
not even if we were the only two people left on the planet

c'est la vie

please
please
please
just leave me the fuck alone!

it was may.

2009-06-23T22:25:00.000-04:00

it was may.

creeping through cacophony into this shallow grave i have dug for myself. in an isolated part of the world. i wait for it. endlessly. sometimes i feel like it suffocates me. but most of the time i don't even feel anything at all anymore. no one knows what goes on in anyone's head. so many words seem meaningful but written after so many times they turn meaningless. i have in my possession an unimaginable number of notebooks. notepads. notes scribbled on scrap pages. words typed on computers. blogs. diaries. journals. for me to see. mostly. but some are available for the public to read. why is this so important? i don't even know. but it seems like human nature to reach out. yet i crawl back into this cold hole full of wet dirt. and wait for the ground to mold itself around my wounded body. in a fetal position. leaving this terrible world in the same position i was in. when life started. but there is so much beauty in nature. in animals. and even in people. so how can i let the ego overstimulate my brain? in an instant my hope slips away. it randomly comes back. i often feel as though i'm about to have a heart attack. blood rushing through my veins until there is an air bubble forming in my arteries. blockage. gasp for air. well, this is the way it happens in my head. then i spit blood. an entire pool of it. then end up falling into the pool on the cement. dead. alone. cold. but it doesn't matter. why? because nothing really does. but i am not even feeling anything right now. it was anger. until i ran until i could no longer stand it. then after a brief talk. the last words i spoke. it withered away. i found myself driving. as i often do. no destination. just singing along to words someone with motivation has written. i am not dead but sometimes i feel like it. and i can't get certain things out of my head. but does any of this matter? does anything exist? have you ever thought that your entire life was a dream? or that you're just the unfortunate result of a coma? and that your entire life has been imagined? and one day you will wake up in a hospital bed. with random people surrounding you. convincing you they're your relatives. while you look around. teary eyed. lost. confused. trying to so hard to remember just who they are. then left to figure out why your life was spared. or why you had to wake up. but did you have to wake up or did you choose to? after all, will seems to be key. power is everything. games are endlessly played. whether we like to admit it or not. i had found solace hiding in the shadows of someone else. well more than one person. i guess most people do this. to try to pass the time. but. fucking. for what?

years go on. the words add up. jumbled. lost. detached from one another. meaningless banter fills the tiny room. until silence overpowers the people. and all you hear is the sound of finger nails clawing at the walls. because contrary to her belief. she is still alive. and why she was entombed. she will never understand.

death.

love.

i loved.

all of these words for you...

in the glow of the lantern
during may's worst storm
you sat on a cushion
looking out the window
i just happened to be driving by
and caught a glimpse of you
as you cried

i like to imagine you're in a place
far away
dancing to all of your favorite songs
and you have everything you want

twirling around in the snow
an innocent smile on her young face
flawless skin red to the cheeks
beaming with happiness
in spite of the cool wind

we all start out as children
youth brings laughter
imaginary friends
hide and seek
not knowing enough to misjudge
everyone is your friend

there was a time
when we all used to trust
before we ever got hurt
but then SOMETHING happened to each and every one of us

why can't we stay like this forever?

why do we grow bitter?

i loved.

and i'm not sure when i will again.

and sometimes like this time i feel like i can't even write poetry. i have my days as everyone does. sometimes i read and reread what i wrote. even years later. sometimes i love it. you can't always be on top. without bad there would be no good. if we never fell we would never know what it felt like to rise above.

fuck. one of the devils just sent me a text message. and now i've been shaken back into reality. back to living. and breathing. pretending. existing. thinking. no more words flowing freely.

without words.

2009-06-20T02:28:00.000-04:00

without words.

he heard...

fuck me.
what have i done?
poison is bad.
for both of us.

walking in that same old bar
where it all started.
left me frustrated.

left me.
i fucking hate.
the twisted game.
i play.

i see it coming.
bring it on.
dance with the devil.
end up a rebel.

then i stand.
shadowboxing.
waiting.
for you.
to stir things up.

boredom.
never attracts crazy girls.
erratic behavior.

erase the memories.
from my overactive brain.

i will punch you.
in your fucking perfect face.

i hate you.
so much.
for being what i love.

and endless game.
that wears out both of us.

i just got in my car.
drove away from you.
again.
i cannot even bear to look at you.
you make me so sick.
that i absolutely love it.
i am a walking contradiction.
you are my drug.
bad for me.
but so good.

fuck you.
fuck me.
fuck everything.

we spent every night
together
this week.

except tonight.
i cannot look at your face.
because i see me.

this moment.

2009-06-02T22:15:00.000-04:00

this moment.

we met again
fate was our friend
nothing but good times since then

in your arms i feel so pure
innocent and reborn
my heart has been sewn
back into one piece
my hope restored
smiles galore

the way we laugh so hard
reminds me of being young
and having fun

my head on your chest
while we discuss
what to do next
reminds me of being free
to enjoy this very
moment

i believe
this is happening

we found each other
for a reason

falling asleep
with our limbs entwined
brings to me
reassurance

you are the one
i am meant to be with right now

inconsitency.

2009-05-21T23:37:00.000-04:00

you had made me happier than anyone i had ever met
you had also made me more upset
than anyone else ever had

you had my heart
you were the only person i thought
had broken it
but i suddenly realized it's been fixed

it was december of 2007 when i finally felt
i was over you.
suddenly when you spoke to me
all i could do was laugh at what you said
not with you.
you were no longer the most perfect looking man i'd ever seen.
i eventually looked at you as if you weren't so great.
what i had felt for you had finally
just seemed to dissipate.
every so often you still popped into my head
these past couple years.
we even talked a few times.
but
tonight
i finally realized
you are nothing to me.
i am completely content
with never seeing you again.

what was i thinking?!

at least we had an amazing time in bed.
and so much fun together
so many I Love Yous
and lots of memories
laughter
kisses
conversation
and all the rest
that had once brought to me what i had thought to be
endless joy.

i thought a piece of me would always love you
but
finally
i am completely
free
from that feeling.

you no longer have my heart.

i still have this feeling
that one day our lives will cross paths
and we will again see each other.
i wonder what will be said.
it will be so different because
unlike all of the other times i randomly ran into you
i won't have butterflies
nor radiance flowing through me
instead i will be numb
and probably have nothing to say...

actually, you will probably make me laugh right away
then you will try to flirt with me.
but i will walk away.

i have absolutely no regrets in life.
however, i do realize that i boosted your ego
because i am far, far too great for someone like you.

you will never grow up.
i know you saw me for who i was
even saw beyond the alcohol and drugs.
i was a different person when i was always fucked up
you convinced yourself that was the person you liked
but we both knew i was capable so much more.

and i can't believe we've known each other
for so long.
you've seen me at my worst--
homeless
drunk
wasted
living in my car

but i also know you've seen me grow through the years
and when we finally do see each other
you will probably congratulate me on my success
and happiness

it all seems like a movie
or a dream
like it never even happened.

i still remember the last time we were together
your lips on the glass.
one of the best and the worst nights of my life.

and the time before that
which was the last time we kissed.

it was only a couple years ago
but it seems so far back

i wish you the best of luck
but i know you're a boy
who will never grow up.

in passing.

2009-02-22T18:31:00.000-05:00

in passing.

I miss the way your warm breath brushed my nose
when we fell asleep face to face.
I miss the way we laughed together
each time we wanted to play.
I miss your arms.
I miss your charm.
I miss your wisdom.
I miss the way our heartbeats merged into one
when our chests touched.
I miss when you protected me
from the dangerous world surrounding us.
I miss when I could run to you
whenever I had a problem.
I miss you telling me it'd be okay.
I miss your words.
I miss your expressions.
But most of all
what I miss
is that feeling
that one experiences
when she is in love.
Years go by
but sometimes it seems
like I will always love you.
Why did I have to go?

Oh, Little Boy

2009-01-28T08:12:00.000-05:00

Oh, Little Boy

When will you wake up
from your fantasy?

Time never stands still.

Each day you waste
is shaving opportunity from your life.

I could help you
but I won't
because you feel like you are invincible.

Impervious.

Immortal.

You will never screw up.

Ha.

Right.

You are so obvious
that it becomes funny.

The only person you are fooling
is yourself.

Wake up.
Life only happens once.

The sooner you deal with yourself,
the more real your life will become
and happiness might follow.

I don't even know if you deserve that
but as usual
I have a soft spot for you.